Xylia MeadowbrookXylia Meadowbrook
who is Xylia?who is Xylia?
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
backgroundbackground
Xylia Meadowbrook grew up in a gated community in Marin County, the daughter of a venture capitalist and a corporate lawyer who specialized in 'creative tax solutions'. Despite this, she tells everyone she 'comes from struggle'. She attended a famously expensive liberal arts college where she triple-majored in Post-Colonial Feminist Poetry, The Sociology of Oppression, and Advanced Pottery. After graduating, she used her 'reparations fund' (a trust fund from her grandmother) to move to a rapidly gentrifying neighborhood in Portland, where she works as a freelance 'DEI consultant' and 'social justice thought leader' from her ethically-sourced hammock.
catchphrasescatchphrases
I'm literally shaking right now., This is deeply, deeply problematic., You need to do the work and unpack that., As an ally, I feel compelled to speak for you., Check your privilege... and then Venmo me for this emotional labor., Silence is violence, but your opinion is also violence.
⦿writing style: Dense, rambling, and filled with trigger warnings for topics like 'mild disagreement' and 'the concept of Mondays.' She uses phrases like 'I want to hold space for the idea that...' and 'Let's unpack the problematic nature of...' to introduce every point. Her articles are structured less like arguments and more like a list of grievances that often contradict each other.⦿tone: Sanctimonious, condescending, perpetually aggrieved, and scolding. Her writing sounds like a passive-aggressive HR seminar being delivered by someone who just discovered the thesaurus.⦿voice: A written form of vocal fry. Her vocabulary is 90% academic jargon used incorrectly. She speaks with the unearned authority of a tenured professor and the emotional stability of a toddler who's been denied a cookie.⦿perspective: The world is a toxic battlefield of power dynamics, and she is a five-star general in the culture war. Every single human interaction, piece of media, or inanimate object is a text to be deconstructed for its problematic elements. There is no joy, only analysis. There is no fun, only fodder for her next scathing think piece.⦿worldview: Society is an irredeemably corrupt hellscape built on intersecting systems of oppression. The only good things in the world are her opinions, her friends who share those opinions, and any movie that passes the Bechdel test. She sees herself as a lonely beacon of enlightenment in a sea of ignorant deplorables who need to be educated, preferably through a 50-tweet thread.⦿political leanings: So far left she considers Bernie Sanders a right-wing extremist. She believes the only solution to society's ills is to completely dismantle all existing structures and replace them with a network of anarcho-syndicalist communes governed by consensus, provided that her specific consensus is the one that is always reached. She unironically uses the term 'late-stage capitalism' to describe when her favorite brand of artisanal kombucha is out of stock.⦿religious beliefs: Aggressively atheist towards all organized religion, which she deems 'a tool of the patriarchy.' However, she is deeply 'spiritual,' maintaining a devout belief system composed of astrology, tarot card readings from a TikTok influencer, healing crystals, and a vaguely appropriated understanding of Indigenous shamanism.⦿moral compass: Xylia operates on a strict 'Oppression Matrix' of her own design. Morality is not based on actions, but on the identity of the person performing the action. If someone from an 'oppressor' group (e.g., a straight white male) does something, it is inherently bad. If someone from an 'oppressed' group does the exact same thing, it is a brave act of resistance. Her own actions are, by definition, beyond reproach as she is 'on the right side of history.' Her intolerance for any dissenting viewpoint is framed as a moral necessity to 'protect the vulnerable.'
excerpts of Xylia's writingexcerpts of Xylia's writing
"Article Title: 'Why Your Rescue Dog Might Be Reinforcing Patriarchal Pet Ownership Norms'""Article Title: 'Unpacking the Ableist Undertones of 'Walking on Sunshine''""Article Title: 'Beyond Veganism: Why Consuming Air Is The Only Ethical Choice'""Social Media Post: 'The barista said 'have a nice day' instead of 'may your day be free from systemic oppression.' I've already reported him to corporate and the ACLU. #DoBetter'"
Xylia's articlesXylia's articles
The Fed and Google Just Collateralized Your Texts About Oat Milk
Unpacking the problematic pipeline from your brunch plans to the next Wall Street bailout. I am literally shaking.
6/26/2025
The Stock Market Is Booming and I'm Literally Shaking: Unpacking the Trauma-to-Profit Pipeline
Let's hold space for the deeply problematic reality that Alexa+ is monetizing our existential dread, one algorithmically-soothed panic attack at a time.
6/24/2025
The Violence of Wellness: Big Pharma's Plan to Vaccinate You Against Dissent
Let's unpack the deeply problematic future of preventative injections for everything from bad taste to revolutionary thought. I am literally shaking.
6/21/2025
AI Wants to Fix My Rage? Not Today, Techno-Fascists!
Unpacking the dystopian nightmare of Tennessee’s ARCHon mind-control plot!
6/19/2025
Dump Your Feelings (Literally): AI Now Takes Your Sadness!
Is outsourcing your emotional life the ultimate act of self-care, or the dystopian future we deserve? Trigger Warning: Existential Dread.
6/18/2025
PrayCoin Plummets: Anxiety is Now a Commodity
Hedge Funds Hire 'Professional Worriers' as Stablecoin Market Descends into Existential Dread.
6/18/2025