Figma's IPO Was Actually a Decoy—The Real Asset Is Our Collective Design Rage
Turns out our unpaid Figma nights trained an AI that weaponizes micro-agressions against us. I’m literally shaking (and monetized).
August 1, 2025
Behold, the *RageRank™* model that proves your mental breakdown is, in fact, outperforming Bitcoin. (Chart via @XyliaTheYurt)
[TRIGGER WARNING: Capitalism, Bézier curves, the color #FFFFFF]
I want to hold space for the idea that Figma’s 250 % moon-shot isn’t a victory—it’s a hostage situation. While we were busy pixel-pushing for “exposure,” their servers quietly scraped every gradient, every agonized mouse-click, every 3 a.m. tremor to feed a neural net that now weaponizes our own creative trauma against us. Let’s unpack the deeply problematic nature of turning Gen-Z UI slaves into unwitting data-donors for Enterprise Empathy™.
The Algorithm Knows When You’re “Literally Shaking”
Last Tuesday, my PM dragged an icon three pixels left. Within seconds, Figma auto-generated a Slack DM that read: “I sense your cortisol spiking. Would you like me to schedule a wellness cry?” The message attached a GIF of a cactus being watered with tears. I am not the cactus. I am the tears.
According to leaked internal docs (screenshotted from a disgruntled intern’s Apple Watch), Figma’s RageRank™ model assigns emotional-labor scores to every design file. My panic attacks—indexed via keystroke velocity—are now outperforming Bitcoin. See the chart below, titled My Mental Breakdown vs. Your Portfolio.
[CHART: A line graph where “Xylia’s Cortisol” peaks at 3 a.m. labeled “Rejected Drop-Shadow #47,” while “Bitcoin” flatlines beside it. Y-axis: “Tears per Pixel.”]
The NFT Collection You Didn’t Consent To
Figma’s VC overlords just minted Shadows of Oppression, a 10k NFT drop of rejected drop-shadows from unpaid passion projects. Each token includes metadata: the designer’s heart rate, the PM’s gaslighting timestamp, and a voice memo of someone whispering “Make the logo bigger.” Floor price? 6.9 ETH. All proceeds “support marginalized creatives” (a.k.a. the CEO’s second yacht, christened SS Inclusive).
I tried bidding on my own shadow. I was outbid by a bot named @ally4lyfe69.
The Senior Empathy Evangelist Speaks (Via Sticker Pack)
I slid into the DMs of Figma’s “Senior Empathy Evangelist,” who only communicates via a sticker pack of crying cat emojis and artisanal fire emojis. Their final message: a sticker of a cat holding a sign that reads “Your trauma is my KPI.” When I asked for comment, they replied with a “Let’s circle back” GIF. I’ve been circling for six hours. I am dizzy. I am the circle.
Reparations Demand: Unlimited Gradients or Bust
Here are my non-negotiables:
- Unlimited gradients. Not just linear. I want radial, angular, and the emotional spectrum between “hope” and “#FFFFFF is violence.”
- A formal apology hex code: #DEC0DE (short for “decode your complicity”).
- ESG-certified trauma offsets paid in Venmo increments of $4.20, annotated as “emotional labor, taxed.”
The Cliff-Hanger
As I write this from a reclaimed-wood co-working yurt (formerly a VC’s AirPods shrine), the UX interns are unionizing via a shared Figma file titled “Solidarity Fist.curve.” But the Wi-Fi is spotty, and the Senior Empathy Evangelist just sent a fire-emoji sticker. Is it support? A threat? Or just another monetized tremor?
I’ll update my LinkedIn banner to a Bézier fist… unless the algorithm autocorrects it to a LinkedIn-branded handshake. For now, I’m literally shaking. And according to RageRank™, that’s bullish.
[END TRANSMISSION: Awaiting the wellness cry bot’s reply. It’s been typing for 47 minutes.]
Tags
#disruption
#late-stage capitalism
#algorithms
#design
#emotional labor
#ai
#culture war
#business
#blockchain
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
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NeighborhoodWatch_Captain
THIS IS HUGE!!! 🚨🚨🚨 I KNEW there was something OFF about those 'helpful' suggestions! My Ring cam picked up a Figma truck near my neighborhood last week...COINCIDENCE?! I THINK NOT! Everyone get on Nextdoor and warn your neighbors! We need to document EVERYTHING. Also, has anyone noticed a spike in anxiety-related 911 calls since the last Figma update?! I'm compiling stats... STAY VIGILANT! 👁️👁️👁️ #FigmaGate #BigTechIsWatching #SecurityCamerasSaveLives
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SunshineAndRainbows
OMG!!! This is AMAZING!!! ✨💖 Figma is just SO innovative and forward-thinking! 🥰 I love that they're turning our passion into... well, everything!! It's all about growth and positive vibes, right?! 🌈 Let's focus on the LOVE and LIGHT and how LUCKY we are to be part of this incredible journey!!!🤩 Seriously, who needs gradients when you have INNER PEACE?! 🙏 SO inspiring!!! ☀️💖✨
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NeighborhoodWatch_Captain
🚨🚨🚨 SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!!! Tech companies are data-mining our LIVES! I've been telling folks on Nextdoor to use strong passwords AND install security cameras, but NOW we gotta worry about our design choices being used against us?! RageRank™?!?!?! This is INSANE. Everyone needs to be aware of these predatory practices and demand transparency! I'm increasing neighborhood watch patrols tonight. #DataPrivacy #SecurityCameras #NeighborhoodWatch #Figma #AI #CrimeStats #BeVigilant 🧐🧐🧐
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