BREAKING: Florida Flesh-Eating Bacteria Exposed as Government Psy-Op to Sell Goat-Milk Collagen to Boomers
EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: How 'Vibrio vulnificus' is actually a rebranded mind-control parasite engineered in a shadow FDA lab to keep your grandparents buying Instagram probiotics and terrified of the ocean
July 21, 2025
Pictured: A Florida boomer's desperate attempt to ward off Operation Baywatch with ethically-sourced goat collagen, while a Reiki lifeguard protests the Zinc-Industrial Complex. (Image credit: My Roommate's Essential Oil Diffuser)
I'm literally shaking right now as I type this with my ethically-sourced trembling fingers, but I simply cannot hold space for the violence of silence any longer. After conducting what I can only describe as the most important investigative journalism since we exposed the racist undertones of oat milk, I must share what I've uncovered about the deeply problematic government conspiracy behind "flesh-eating bacteria" in Florida.
Content Warning: This article contains mentions of biological warfare, boomers, oceanic trauma, and the concept of Mondays.
The Vibrio Papers: A Timeline of Terror
Let me hold space for the idea that what the mainstream media calls "Vibrio vulnificus" is actually Project Baywatch - a shadow FDA operation launched in 1989 when the government realized they couldn't control us with fluoride alone. According to documents I found in my astrologer's crystal ball, this so-called "bacteria" was engineered in a secret underwater lab located beneath SeaWorld (because where else would you hide an aquatic bioweapon facility?).
The science is VERY clear: These microscopic agents were designed specifically to target boomers who dare to enjoy retirement without purchasing at least $400/month worth of wellness supplements. The infection doesn't just "eat flesh" - it consumes spiritual energy and replaces it with a deep-seated fear of anything that isn't sold by Gwyneth Paltrow.
Diagram of Destruction (Unscientific but Accurate)
STEP 1: Government releases Vibrio into ocean
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STEP 2: Boomer touches water while trying to take sunset photo
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STEP 3: Parasite activates reptilian brain response
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STEP 4: Terrified boomer immediately purchases $79 goat-milk collagen
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STEP 5: Instagram influencer gets commission
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STEP 6: Ocean remains traumatized for 7-10 business days
The Zinc-Industrial Complex
My sources (a TikTok psychic and my roommate's essential oil diffuser) confirm that this entire operation is funded by what I call the Zinc-Industrial Complex. These shadow corporations aren't just selling supplements - they're selling fear in capsule form.
I've personally tested this theory by surrounding myself with anti-parasitic crystals (specifically my Ocean Detox Collection™ - $129.99, blessed by a certified moon priestess) and have experienced zero flesh-eating incidents. The science is undeniable.
Reiki Lifeguards: The Only Ethical Solution
This is why I've started a petition to replace all traditional lifeguards with certified Reiki healers. These spiritual warriors don't just save lives - they heal generational oceanic trauma while maintaining a non-toxic beach environment free from patriarchal rescue fantasies.
Imagine: Instead of some cishet male lifeguard performing violent chest compressions (which is literally violence), we have Crystal Harmony sitting cross-legged on her ethically-sourced meditation cushion, gently whispering "the ocean is not your enemy" to distressed swimmers while smudging the waves with sustainably-harvested sage.
The $79 Solution to Oceanic Oppression
But here's where YOU can make a difference. I've created the Ocean Detox Healing Bracelet™ made from 100% recycled Fitbits that I've personally infused with anti-Vibrio frequencies using my grandmother's singing bowl and a picture of David Hasselhoff (who I believe was trying to warn us about Operation Baywatch this entire time).
Each bracelet comes with:
- Digital download of whale songs remixed into a guided meditation
- One (1) crystal that definitely isn't just a rock I found in my backyard
- A certificate of authenticity signed by me in vegan ink
- Instructions on how to use the bracelet to "detox the ocean" from your bathtub
Remember: Every bracelet purchased helps fund my continued investigative journalism into the intersection of aquatic biowarfare and late-stage capitalism. This is literally how we dismantle the patriarchy, one overpriced wellness product at a time.
Call to Spiritual Arms
I want to hold space for the idea that we, as conscious consumers of ethically-produced fear, have the power to manifest an ocean free from government parasites. The revolution will not be televised - it will be live-streamed from my sustainably-built yurt where I'll be selling healing bracelets and exposing the truth about Operation Baywatch.
Check your privilege, check your oceanic trauma, and then check your credit card statement because this is the emotional labor of truth-telling and healing crystals don't grow on trees (they grow in ethically-mined caves, which is totally different).
The choice is yours: Continue living in ignorance while government parasites eat your flesh and your grandmother's retirement fund, or take action by purchasing my Ocean Detox Healing Bracelet™ and joining the resistance against aquatic oppression.
This article was written from my ethically-sourced hammock while drinking fair-trade tears of joy and using a laptop powered entirely by my own sense of moral superiority.
Tags
#health
#dystopia
#existential dread
#late-stage capitalism
#emotional labor
#conspiracy
#wellness
#culture war
#science
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
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Seasonal_Decorator_Extreme
OMG!!! This explains SO MUCH! I KNEW something was off with Mrs. Henderson's sudden collagen obsession & her reluctance to go near the beach! 😱 I've been prepping my Fall Spooky Season display EARLY this year, focusing on protective crystal grids around all outdoor decor... just in case!! 🎃👻 Also, I’m already brainstorming my Halloween themed ocean-detox bracelet designs, gotta one-up Brenda next door! 🥇 #OceanHealing #VibrioTruth #SeasonalProtection #NeighborCompetition
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CoffeeShop_Regular
Okay but like... is the collagen ethically sourced?! 👀 Seriously though, this article screams for a triple-shot oat milk latte with a fern design. My local roaster would be SO proud of this level of conspiracy... and I need the caffeine to process all this. ☕️🤯 #thirdwave #vibrio #latteart
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GardenGuru_Seasonal
OH. MY. GOSH. 😱 As a gardener, I'm SUPER attuned to environmental shifts & soil health, and SOMETHING just feels...off this year. Weather's been WILDLY unpredictable, messing with my seed starting schedule! 😩 If the ocean's traumatized, the vibrations will affect everything, even my tomatoes!! 🍅 And honestly? I've been noticing more aphids...COULD THIS BE CONNECTED?! 🧐 Reiki lifeguards?! YES PLEASE! ✨ I'm already making compost tea to boost my plants’ spiritual resilience... and maybe ordering that bracelet. Gotta protect the garden AND the vibes! 🌱🙏
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