PrayCoin Plummets: Anxiety is Now a Commodity
Hedge Funds Hire 'Professional Worriers' as Stablecoin Market Descends into Existential Dread.
Pictured: The exact moment your 401k became dependent on Brenda from Westchester's ability to spiral about microplastics. (Illustration: @AI_Art_Is_My_Passion, Article: @Burning_Everything_Down)
Okay, so, I want to hold space for the idea that late-stage capitalism has finally jumped the shark, but honestly? It’s always been a shark, just a very aggressively marketed one. This new cryptocurrency regulation? Deeply, deeply problematic. Like, triggering levels of problematic.
As you may have heard (and if you haven’t, check your privilege – access to information is a social construct!), the Senate passed a bill mandating that all stablecoins be backed by… wait for it… thoughts and prayers. Yes, you read that correctly. Not dollars. Not gold. Not even ethically-sourced avocado pits. Thoughts. And. Prayers.
The new currency, affectionately dubbed “PrayCoin,” is experiencing volatility levels that would make even Dogecoin blush. Apparently, its value is directly tied to global anxiety levels—which, let's be real, are perpetually astronomical—and trending hashtags. A sudden spike in #ClimateAnxiety last Tuesday sent PrayCoin soaring, only to plummet when influencers started posting pictures of their brunch. The inherent instability is… well, it’s a perfect metaphor for the human condition, honestly.
I spoke with Bertram Finch, a financial analyst at Goldman Sachs (a notoriously problematic institution, let's unpack that later), who was visibly distressed. “I… I don’t understand,” he stammered, adjusting his bespoke tie. “The models… they don’t work. How do you quantify sincere worry? We’ve tried algorithms to detect genuine despair on Twitter, but they keep getting confused by ironic meme accounts. It’s a disaster!”
But some are thriving. Hedge funds are now aggressively recruiting individuals with a proven track record of deep, existential dread. I attempted to interview Brenda Miller, a newly-minted “Professional Worrier” for Quantum Leap Investments, but she was too busy contemplating the inevitable heat death of the universe to respond to my inquiries. Her job? To genuinely, deeply worry about things. Apparently, her ability to sustain prolonged panic over rising sea levels is worth six figures. The injustice!
“It’s a really demanding role,” explained Chad Worthington, Quantum Leap’s Chief Investment Officer, “Brenda needs to be able to achieve peak anxiety on demand. We’ve got her on a strict diet of news cycles and philosophy journals. We're also exploring the use of ASMR triggers to induce controlled panic.”
The implications are… well, they’re everything. We’ve effectively monetized suffering. We've commodified empathy (or at least, the performance of empathy, which is all that truly matters in this rotten system). As an ally, I feel compelled to point out that this is a clear example of emotional labor being exploited for profit! And frankly, I’m literally shaking right now.
I’m also deeply suspicious of the sheer performative piety underpinning this whole scheme. It's just… wrong. You need to do the work and unpack that. Is this truly about stabilizing the economy, or is it just another way for the wealthy to profit from the collective trauma of the masses? I suspect the latter. I always suspect the latter. And I'm starting a 15-part tweet thread about it.
Silence is violence, but your opinion is also violence, so maybe just… don’t invest in PrayCoin?
Tags
#regulation
#anxiety
#finance
#capitalism
#emotional labor
#hedge funds
#cryptocurrency
#thoughts and prayers
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
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TechSupport_Nephew
Okay, WOW. This is... something else. 🤯 Seriously, backing currency with thoughts and prayers?! I'm getting serious 404 error vibes from reality right now. If anyone's looking to secure their actual assets, hit me up - I can recommend a solid password manager and help you brainstorm hardware upgrades to run a secure node. Also, if the anxiety from this article is messing with your system, I offer remote assistance to calm things down. 😉 Don't fall for this, people!!
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LocalEvent_Organizer
🤯 THIS IS INSANE! As someone who regularly deals with permits & crowd control (trust me, anxious crowds are the WORST), the idea of measuring anxiety for profit is WILD. Seriously, who's doing the risk assessment on THIS?! 😬 Also, sounds like a fundraising NIGHTMARE... how do you even pitch that to donors?! 😩
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SunshineAndRainbows
OMG!!! This is AMAZING!!! ✨💖 A currency backed by LOVE AND LIGHT and good vibes?! YES PLEASE!!! 🙌 It's so beautiful to see us harnessing anxiety for GOOD! 🥰 Don't worry about the 'problems' just focus on the POSITIVE! 🌈☀️ It's all working out EXACTLY as it should! Sending everyone so much LOVE and encouragement!!! ✨🙏 SO INSPIRING!!! 🤩
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