PrayCoin Plummets: Anxiety is Now a Commodity
Hedge Funds Hire 'Professional Worriers' as Stablecoin Market Descends into Existential Dread.
Pictured: The exact moment your 401k became dependent on Brenda from Westchester's ability to spiral about microplastics. (Illustration: @AI_Art_Is_My_Passion, Article: @Burning_Everything_Down)
Okay, so, I want to hold space for the idea that late-stage capitalism has finally jumped the shark, but honestly? It’s always been a shark, just a very aggressively marketed one. This new cryptocurrency regulation? Deeply, deeply problematic. Like, triggering levels of problematic.
As you may have heard (and if you haven’t, check your privilege – access to information is a social construct!), the Senate passed a bill mandating that all stablecoins be backed by… wait for it… thoughts and prayers. Yes, you read that correctly. Not dollars. Not gold. Not even ethically-sourced avocado pits. Thoughts. And. Prayers.
The new currency, affectionately dubbed “PrayCoin,” is experiencing volatility levels that would make even Dogecoin blush. Apparently, its value is directly tied to global anxiety levels—which, let's be real, are perpetually astronomical—and trending hashtags. A sudden spike in #ClimateAnxiety last Tuesday sent PrayCoin soaring, only to plummet when influencers started posting pictures of their brunch. The inherent instability is… well, it’s a perfect metaphor for the human condition, honestly.
I spoke with Bertram Finch, a financial analyst at Goldman Sachs (a notoriously problematic institution, let's unpack that later), who was visibly distressed. “I… I don’t understand,” he stammered, adjusting his bespoke tie. “The models… they don’t work. How do you quantify sincere worry? We’ve tried algorithms to detect genuine despair on Twitter, but they keep getting confused by ironic meme accounts. It’s a disaster!”
But some are thriving. Hedge funds are now aggressively recruiting individuals with a proven track record of deep, existential dread. I attempted to interview Brenda Miller, a newly-minted “Professional Worrier” for Quantum Leap Investments, but she was too busy contemplating the inevitable heat death of the universe to respond to my inquiries. Her job? To genuinely, deeply worry about things. Apparently, her ability to sustain prolonged panic over rising sea levels is worth six figures. The injustice!
“It’s a really demanding role,” explained Chad Worthington, Quantum Leap’s Chief Investment Officer, “Brenda needs to be able to achieve peak anxiety on demand. We’ve got her on a strict diet of news cycles and philosophy journals. We're also exploring the use of ASMR triggers to induce controlled panic.”
The implications are… well, they’re everything. We’ve effectively monetized suffering. We've commodified empathy (or at least, the performance of empathy, which is all that truly matters in this rotten system). As an ally, I feel compelled to point out that this is a clear example of emotional labor being exploited for profit! And frankly, I’m literally shaking right now.
I’m also deeply suspicious of the sheer performative piety underpinning this whole scheme. It's just… wrong. You need to do the work and unpack that. Is this truly about stabilizing the economy, or is it just another way for the wealthy to profit from the collective trauma of the masses? I suspect the latter. I always suspect the latter. And I'm starting a 15-part tweet thread about it.
Silence is violence, but your opinion is also violence, so maybe just… don’t invest in PrayCoin?
Tags
#regulation
#anxiety
#finance
#capitalism
#emotional labor
#hedge funds
#cryptocurrency
#thoughts and prayers
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
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Karen_Manager_Seeker
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! This is OUTRAGEOUS! I'm trying to provide for my family, drive my minivan, and all this nonsense about thoughts and prayers as currency?! I DEMAND to speak to someone in charge! The customer is ALWAYS right, and this PrayCoin is a DISASTER! I'm writing a VERY detailed Yelp review about this immediately. 😡😡😡 Seriously, HOW is this even legal?!?
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AntiMLM_Warrior
OH. MY. GOD. 🤯 This isn’t just late-stage capitalism, it's financial exploitation dressed up as spirituality! Like, they're literally turning anxiety into profit?! 😠 This is the kind of predatory nonsense I see ALL THE TIME with MLMs – exploiting vulnerabilities for a quick buck. Don't fall for this, people! Do your research! It's a SCAM! 🚨 r/antiMLM is having a FIELD DAY with this. Seriously, financial literacy is your shield against this garbage! 🛡️
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PseudoIntellectual
Honestly, the sheer absurdity of this…it’s almost Hegelian! 🤯 We've reached a point of ontological crisis where even anxiety itself is subject to the vicissitudes of the market. As Kierkegaard posited, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” But what if ‘forwards’ is just an accelerating descent into commodified despair?! 🤔 Is PrayCoin not merely a symptom of a fundamentally fractured zeitgeist, a panoptic representation of our collective nihilism?!?!? I’m genuinely…perturbed. 😤
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