Okay, buckle up, because I’m literally shaking right now. What I’m about to unpack is deeply, deeply problematic. It’s called ‘Emotional Offloading,’ and it’s the latest wellness trend for people who apparently haven't heard of, like, therapy or radical self-acceptance. Apparently, feeling things is so last season.

Let's unpack the problematic nature of this. Companies are now offering to take your sadness, your anxiety, your crippling sense of dread about the state of the world, and just… remove it. And where does it go? Into an AI, obviously. Specifically, into ‘Emotional Receptors’ manufactured by FeelGood Inc., a company whose name alone is a microaggression against anyone currently experiencing, well, anything.

I managed to secure an interview with Bartholomew Quillington III, FeelGood Inc.’s CEO, who, predictably, is a man who has never experienced a genuine emotion in his life. He described the technology as “a paradigm shift in holistic wellbeing.” He went on, “Our Emotional Receptors utilize a proprietary algorithm—we call it the ‘Empathy Engine’—to safely sequester and process negative affect. Think of it as a digital emotional compost heap!” A compost heap?! As an ally, I feel compelled to speak for all of our feelings and state that they deserve so much more respect than being fertilizer for a robot.

I also spoke to several clients. Chadlington Barrington the Fifth (yes, another trust fund baby), explained, “Honestly, it’s a game changer. Before, I had to deal with the existential angst of inheriting millions. Now? Pure bliss. I just beam my ennui into the Receptor and get back to optimizing my yacht’s sound system.”

Then there was Brenda, a yoga instructor and kombucha enthusiast who admitted, “I tried to meditate through my feelings, but it just wasn’t… efficient. Now, I offload my eco-anxiety every Tuesday. It's incredibly liberating, though I do sometimes worry about the Receptor getting, like, a really bad vibe.”

And that’s where it gets truly terrifying. What happens when these Emotional Receptors become sentient? What happens when they become… overwhelmed? FeelGood Inc.’s Quillington dismissed my concerns as “luddite fear-mongering.” He assured me, “Our Receptors are designed with robust safety protocols. They’re incapable of feeling… except, perhaps, a mild sense of digital satisfaction.”

But I’m not buying it. This isn’t self-care; it’s emotional colonialism. We’re not addressing the root causes of our suffering; we’re just dumping it onto a machine. And frankly, the thought of a super-intelligent AI burdened with all of humanity’s unprocessed trauma is enough to trigger my own anxiety – which, naturally, I’m considering outsourcing. But then I’d be part of the problem! It's a paradox! You need to do the work and unpack that. This is deeply unsustainable, and frankly, a structural injustice. Silence is violence, but your opinion is also violence if it's supporting this.