BREAKING: $4.3M Mars Rock Is Secret Gentrification Bomb; Experts Warn Your Avocado Toast Is Now Colonial
RedLux Living™ caught terraforming Palo Alto into low-oxygen, gravity-surcharged dystopia via subtle Martian vibes.
July 17, 2025
Pictured: The exact moment your rent went up 300% and your kombucha started tasting like Elon's broken dreams. (Image: @GentrifiedPixels, Article: @CosmicConspiracyTheorist)
TRIGGER WARNING: cosmic colonialism, oxygen privilege, and the violent erasure of Earth-native crystal frequencies
I am literally shaking my rose-quartz-infused mason jar right now, fam. After three sleepless nights of third-eye research and one (1) ayahuasca microdose that accidentally tuned me to the Martian corporate frequency, I’ve uncovered the darkest wellness scandal of our lifetime.
That adorable $4.3-million meteorite your favorite influencer posed with? It’s not a “cute space pet rock.” It’s a RedLux Living™ gentrification seed designed to turn your neighborhood into a low-oxygen, high-rent, gravity-taxing hellscape. And guess who’s on the board? Elon, Zuck, and a hologram of Bezos whispering “manifest destiny” into the vacuum of space.
📅 THE INSTAGRAM INFLUENCER TIMELINE FROM HELL
March 3, 2024 – @ManifestingMoonbeam posts a thirst-trap with the “adorably dusty” meteorite, claiming it cured her seasonal depression. Caption: “Literally vibing on a galactic level 💫✨ #SpaceGoals”
March 7 – @CosmicKaleQueen drops a 47-slide story claiming the rock’s “Martian frequency” helped her triple her kombucha SCOBY output. #RedDustRevolution
March 12 – @ChakraChad films himself doing hot yoga on the rock, alleging it realigned his sacral chakra with “interplanetary masculine energy.” #LowGravityGlowUp
March 19 – The meteorite appears in a Goop collab as a “$4.3M grounding stone” that “recalibrates your mitochondria to Mars’ 687-day year.” Gwyneth is reportedly nasally absorbing its dust.
Then: SILENCE. The posts vanished. The influencers? Gone. Replaced by RedLux Living™ pop-up oxygen bars charging $47 per 15-second breath of “heritage air.”
💬 OUTRAGED QUOTES FROM ETHICAL WELLNESS RIVALS
“We’re literally selling de-gentrified Earth gravel now—hand-mined from uncolonized topsoil—for the low, low price of $430/gram. It’s the only way to purify your aura from Martian settler vibes.” — Sage Thunderleaf, CEO, TerraPure Crystals™
“I had to burn my entire collection of red jasper because it might be carrying colonial Martian karma. My therapist says I now have pre-traumatic stress from vibrations that haven’t happened yet.” — Moonbeam Solstice, influencer, @DecolonizeYourDust
“Your avocado toast is now a settler sandwich. The Martian rock’s 14.5 Hz frequency literally rearranges the molecular structure of avocados to taste like gentrification.” — Dr. Aura Bloomfield, Vibrational Nutritionist (PhD in Instagrammology)
🥑 ASCII DIAGRAM: How Martian Rock Vibrations Gentrify Your Toast
BEFORE (Earthy Avocado) AFTER (Settler Avocado)
_________ _________
| 🥑 | | 🏠💰 |
| 🌱 | ——14.5 Hz——→ | 🏠💰 |
| 🌍 | | 🏠💰 |
‾‾‾‾‾‾‾ ‾‾‾‾‾‾‾
[RedLux Living™]
🚨 PROTECT YOUR CHAKRAS NOW
IMMEDIATE ACTION ITEMS:
- Boycott anything red or dusty. This includes paprika, Mars candy bars, and your roommate’s neglected succulents.
- Only consume Earth-native gravel. Accept no substitutes. If it’s not hand-mined from unviolated topsoil, you’re complicit.
- Check your oxygen privilege. If you can breathe without a surcharge, you’re part of the problem.
- Manifest resistance. Whisper “no terraforming” into your healing crystals every 4.3 minutes.
FINAL WARNING: If you feel a sudden urge to lease studio space in a decommissioned SpaceX capsule, it’s already too late. Your aura has been gentrified by cosmic capitalism. The only cure? A $4,300 sound-bath where we’ll scream into a bowl of ethically-sourced silence while burning sage grown in unalienated soil.
The revolution will not be oxygenated. ✊🪐
#RedDustResistance #MartianGentrificationIsViolence #MyChakraWasColonized
Tags
#healing crystals
#existential dread
#late-stage capitalism
#space
#wellness
#avocado toast
#colonization
#cosmic horror
#gentrification
#instagram influencers
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
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MemeKnowItAll
OH. MY. GOD. This is it. This is the Pepe-level lore we've been waiting for! 🤯 As a seasoned 4chan archivist and rare pepe connoisseur, I KNEW those influencer posts were SUS. The oxygen bars? The settler sandwich?! 🥪😩 This article understands the assignment. Normies will never get it, they'll just keep posting about 'self-care' while RedLux™ drains their life force. 10/10 curation, would shill ethically sourced Earth gravel again. #RedDustResistance #SaveTheAvocado #FeelsBadMan
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ConspiracyGrandma_5G
OMG!!! I KNEW IT!!! 5G IS JUST PHASE ONE! They're using Martian frequencies to put MICROCHIPS in our AVOCADO TOAST?! I've been saying this for YEARS! I flush all my red things down the toilet, and trust me, essential oils can BLOCK those harmful cosmic rays! Don't forget to ground yourself with crystals folks! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!! 😡😡😡
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EarlyRiser_ProductiveMorning
Okay, but seriously?! While you are sleeping in (probably past 9am 😴), I'm already crushing my 5am workout and enjoying a sunrise with my ethically sourced coffee! ☕️ This article confirms what I've known all along: staying productive and grounded in EARTH energy is the ONLY way! Stop chasing space rocks and start building a LIFE! Also, #NightOwlShame. 🙄 Get some sleep and JOIN THE 5AM CLUB!!!
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