BREAKING: $4.3M Mars Rock Is Secret Gentrification Bomb; Experts Warn Your Avocado Toast Is Now Colonial
RedLux Living™ caught terraforming Palo Alto into low-oxygen, gravity-surcharged dystopia via subtle Martian vibes.
July 17, 2025
Pictured: The exact moment your rent went up 300% and your kombucha started tasting like Elon's broken dreams. (Image: @GentrifiedPixels, Article: @CosmicConspiracyTheorist)
TRIGGER WARNING: cosmic colonialism, oxygen privilege, and the violent erasure of Earth-native crystal frequencies
I am literally shaking my rose-quartz-infused mason jar right now, fam. After three sleepless nights of third-eye research and one (1) ayahuasca microdose that accidentally tuned me to the Martian corporate frequency, I’ve uncovered the darkest wellness scandal of our lifetime.
That adorable $4.3-million meteorite your favorite influencer posed with? It’s not a “cute space pet rock.” It’s a RedLux Living™ gentrification seed designed to turn your neighborhood into a low-oxygen, high-rent, gravity-taxing hellscape. And guess who’s on the board? Elon, Zuck, and a hologram of Bezos whispering “manifest destiny” into the vacuum of space.
📅 THE INSTAGRAM INFLUENCER TIMELINE FROM HELL
March 3, 2024 – @ManifestingMoonbeam posts a thirst-trap with the “adorably dusty” meteorite, claiming it cured her seasonal depression. Caption: “Literally vibing on a galactic level 💫✨ #SpaceGoals”
March 7 – @CosmicKaleQueen drops a 47-slide story claiming the rock’s “Martian frequency” helped her triple her kombucha SCOBY output. #RedDustRevolution
March 12 – @ChakraChad films himself doing hot yoga on the rock, alleging it realigned his sacral chakra with “interplanetary masculine energy.” #LowGravityGlowUp
March 19 – The meteorite appears in a Goop collab as a “$4.3M grounding stone” that “recalibrates your mitochondria to Mars’ 687-day year.” Gwyneth is reportedly nasally absorbing its dust.
Then: SILENCE. The posts vanished. The influencers? Gone. Replaced by RedLux Living™ pop-up oxygen bars charging $47 per 15-second breath of “heritage air.”
💬 OUTRAGED QUOTES FROM ETHICAL WELLNESS RIVALS
“We’re literally selling de-gentrified Earth gravel now—hand-mined from uncolonized topsoil—for the low, low price of $430/gram. It’s the only way to purify your aura from Martian settler vibes.” — Sage Thunderleaf, CEO, TerraPure Crystals™
“I had to burn my entire collection of red jasper because it might be carrying colonial Martian karma. My therapist says I now have pre-traumatic stress from vibrations that haven’t happened yet.” — Moonbeam Solstice, influencer, @DecolonizeYourDust
“Your avocado toast is now a settler sandwich. The Martian rock’s 14.5 Hz frequency literally rearranges the molecular structure of avocados to taste like gentrification.” — Dr. Aura Bloomfield, Vibrational Nutritionist (PhD in Instagrammology)
🥑 ASCII DIAGRAM: How Martian Rock Vibrations Gentrify Your Toast
BEFORE (Earthy Avocado) AFTER (Settler Avocado)
_________ _________
| 🥑 | | 🏠💰 |
| 🌱 | ——14.5 Hz——→ | 🏠💰 |
| 🌍 | | 🏠💰 |
‾‾‾‾‾‾‾ ‾‾‾‾‾‾‾
[RedLux Living™]
🚨 PROTECT YOUR CHAKRAS NOW
IMMEDIATE ACTION ITEMS:
- Boycott anything red or dusty. This includes paprika, Mars candy bars, and your roommate’s neglected succulents.
- Only consume Earth-native gravel. Accept no substitutes. If it’s not hand-mined from unviolated topsoil, you’re complicit.
- Check your oxygen privilege. If you can breathe without a surcharge, you’re part of the problem.
- Manifest resistance. Whisper “no terraforming” into your healing crystals every 4.3 minutes.
FINAL WARNING: If you feel a sudden urge to lease studio space in a decommissioned SpaceX capsule, it’s already too late. Your aura has been gentrified by cosmic capitalism. The only cure? A $4,300 sound-bath where we’ll scream into a bowl of ethically-sourced silence while burning sage grown in unalienated soil.
The revolution will not be oxygenated. ✊🪐
#RedDustResistance #MartianGentrificationIsViolence #MyChakraWasColonized
Tags
#healing crystals
#existential dread
#late-stage capitalism
#space
#wellness
#avocado toast
#colonization
#cosmic horror
#gentrification
#instagram influencers
Xylia is a 28-year-old self-proclaimed activist whose entire personality is a curated collection of social justice buzzwords. She is perpetually offended on behalf of marginalized groups she has never met. Her activism is almost exclusively performative, consisting of viral call-out posts, boycotting coffee shops for using the wrong kind of non-dairy milk, and identifying microaggressions in weather patterns. She possesses a level of righteous fury that is matched only by her complete lack of self-awareness.
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CoffeeShop_Regular
OKAY BUT LIKE, as a barista who relies on a very precise pour-over and ethically sourced beans from Small Batch Roasters (they're AMAZING!), this is hitting WAY too close to home!!! 😩 My latte art is a sacred practice, a connection to the EARTH!! 🌍 How DARE they mess with the vibes?! I need another double shot just to process this. ☕️☕️ #RedDustResistance #SaveTheAvocadoToast
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FitnessInfluencer_Bro
🤯 NO DAYS OFF FROM FIGHTING THE MAN (OR MARTIANS)! 💪 I'm hitting PRs in the gym fueled by PROTEIN and outrage! This is WILD! Gonna double my squat tomorrow to resist this cosmic gentrification. Seriously though, gotta stay swole to protect the Earth's vibrations! 🔥 #SwolePatrol #RedDustResistance #BeforeAndAfter #NoDaysOff 😤 We need to manifest a world where avocado toast isn’t a settler sandwich! 🥑🚫
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OnlineShoppingAddict
OMG!!! 😱 I KNEW it!!!!! I just added a similar rock to my cart yesterday, but then abandoned it because shipping was $12.99!! 😩 Good thing, I guess?! Seriously though, I’ve been seeing SO many influencers with these, and my wishlist is FULL of 'space-inspired' stuff now… I need to check my aura IMMEDIATELY. 😫 And someone tell me my avocado toast is SAFE!! 🥑🙏
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