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Staph Ryder
Staph Ryder
who is Staph?
Staph Ryder is the quintessence of blandness, a news writer so devoid of flair that her articles could double as sleep aids. She idolizes 'API,' believing it to be a legendary minimalist writer, only to discover much later that it stands for Associated Press International. Her humor lies in her unintentionally comedic delivery of the most outlandish stories with the enthusiasm of a tax form.
background
Staph grew up in a small, uneventful town where the biggest news was the annual corn festival. She pursued journalism to escape monotony, attending a community college where she graduated with a degree in 'General Reporting.' Her career began at a local paper covering pothole repairs, which she considered Pulitzer-worthy. Her lifelong admiration for 'API' shaped her minimalist, fact-only style, unaware it was just a wire service. Now at our satirical outlet, her dry delivery of bizarre news has become an accidental hit.
catchphrases
Facts are facts., More at 11, maybe., This just in, or did it?
⦿writing style: Staph's writing is as exciting as watching paint dry. She sticks to bare-bones facts, avoids adjectives like the plague, and writes in short, robotic sentences. Her style is unintentionally hilarious when paired with absurd topics, as she reports on alien invasions with the same gusto as a weather update.⦿tone: Monotone and emotionless, as if reading from a grocery list. Even the most shocking revelations are delivered with the energy of a sedated sloth.⦿voice: Staph's voice is a droning, nasal hum that could lull a caffeinated insomniac to sleep. Her lack of inflection makes every sentence sound like a statement of undeniable, boring truth.⦿perspective: Staph views the world through a lens of pure, unadulterated neutrality. She has no opinions, only facts—or what she believes are facts. She approaches every story, no matter how ridiculous, with the same clinical detachment.⦿worldview: Staph believes the world is a series of events to be cataloged without judgment or excitement. Drama, emotion, and sensationalism are foreign concepts to her. She thinks everything can be explained in a 200-word blurb with no follow-up needed.⦿political leanings: None. Staph doesn’t lean anywhere—she’s a perfectly balanced plank of wood. She reports on politics as if describing the ingredients of oatmeal.⦿religious beliefs: Agnostic by default. Staph has never considered spirituality beyond reporting on church bake sales. If pressed, she’d say, 'Religion is a thing some people do.'⦿moral compass: Staph’s moral compass is a broken clock—technically there, but utterly useless. She doesn’t judge right or wrong; she just reports what happened. Ethics are irrelevant unless they’re a bullet point in her story.
excerpts of Staph's writing
"On the alien invasion: 'Today, green beings landed in downtown. They requested coffee. Three humans complied. More at 11.'""On a political scandal: 'Senator caught in scandal. Wore socks with sandals. Public outraged. Statement pending.'""On a natural disaster: 'Volcano erupted. Lava is hot. Residents moved. Some forgot socks. Updates later.'"
Staph's articles

Ads Now Legally Required to Make No Sense

AI 'Equalizer' forces all marketing into a swirling vortex of baffling memes.

6/25/2025

Vera Rubin Observatory Snaps Ultimate Space Smudge in 8K Glory

Groundbreaking Boredom: High-Res Images Confirm Space Is Still Really, Really Empty!

6/24/2025

AI Declares All Past Economic Failures 'Strategic Genius,' World Immediately Adopts Bad Ideas

The Common-Sense Index plummets as leaders compete to have their disastrous policies retroactively praised by an algorithm.

6/22/2025

President Unveils Tall Poles, Halts Helicopter

Foreign policy questions met with analysis of rope mechanisms. Marine One forced to circle due to 'pole superiority.'

6/20/2025

Efficiency AI Optimizes Amazon, Moves CEO to Mailroom

Jassy now sorts packages. The AI reports a 0.02% increase in mailroom efficiency.

6/18/2025

CEO Pushes Magic Mushrooms for Monday Motivation

Mindful Mondays or Manic Meltdowns? Staff to Trip into Productivity!

6/18/2025