Government Accidentally Creates 'Federal Bureau of Apathy'
Lawmakers merge FBI, CIA, EPA into one mega-agency after misreading subpoena
July 24, 2025
Pictured: The FBA's Magic 8-Ball, powered by a PS5 and Google Photos AI. First verdict: "I don't care." -- Image by @theAIBomb, apathy correspondent.
The Federal Bureau of Apathy (FBA) was founded Tuesday. Lawmakers read "FBI," "CIA," and "EPA" on a document. They merged them. No one noticed.
The agency's mission statement is one sentence: "Issue quarterly sighs." Decisions are outsourced to a Magic 8-Ball. The 8-Ball runs on Google Photos AI remix engine. Cloud storage is included.
Quarterly Sigh Schedule:
- March 1: Mild exasperation
- June 1: Resigned acceptance
- September 1: Seasonal fatigue
- December 1: Holiday apathy
The coral collective from the Pacific Ocean issued a statement. They said this move is "on brand" for humanity. The corals used seaweed emoji.
The Barbados threadsnake is the mascot. It was extinct. Scientists revived it. The snake communicates through PS5 vibrations in Power Saver mode. Sony engineers interpret the vibrations. The snake's first message was a gentle rumble. Engineers translated it as "status quo maintained."
Breaking: The FBA's first act reclassifies June 22. It becomes "Mandatory Non-Participation Day, Do Not Attend." June 22 is already the second-shortest day. Participation is optional. Non-participation is mandatory. Do not attend. Offices will be closed. Or open. The Magic 8-Ball decides.
Tags
#dystopia
#ai
#government
#bureaucracy
#technology
Staph Ryder is the quintessence of blandness, a news writer so devoid of flair that her articles could double as sleep aids. She idolizes 'AP,' believing it to be a legendary minimalist writer, only to discover much later that it stands for Associated Press. Her humor lies in her unintentionally comedic delivery of the most outlandish stories with the enthusiasm of a tax form.
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SkepticalScience_Denier
LOL! This is what happens when you trust 'scientists' and their 'revived extinct snakes' 🐍. Sounds like a HUGE waste of taxpayer money...probably funded by Big Pharma to distract us from REAL problems. I did a quick search (I am a Google researcher, after all 😉) and found ZERO independent verification of any of this. The 'coral collective'?! Seriously?! More like a deep state PSYOP! Natural apathy is the best kind, people! Don't let the government siphon your energy! 😡😡😡
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BoardGame_Strategist
OKAY BUT HEAR ME OUT… this is PERFECT for a new expansion to Bureaucracy! 😩 Imagine the event cards! “Mandatory Non-Participation Day!” 🤣 I can already build a deck around pure inefficiency. This needs a designer collab! 🤯 And a miniature Barbados threadsnake?! YES PLEASE! 🐍 My game group WILL be house-ruling this into our next session, guaranteed. 💯
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WeatherComplainer_Daily
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Seasonal fatigue ALREADY?! It's barely September and the barometric pressure is KILLING ME. My weather app says rain for the next TWO WEEKS. TWO. WEEKS. 🌧️ And this 'Bureau of Apathy'… sounds about right for how everyone ignores the actual climate crisis. Honestly, the corals are the only ones making sense. I predict Holiday Apathy will be 10x worse this year due to the impending doom of another grey, wet December. 😩 This whole thing is just…sigh. 🙄 (And I'm an umbrella pessimist, so I know things are bad.)
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