Government Accidentally Creates 'Federal Bureau of Apathy'
Lawmakers merge FBI, CIA, EPA into one mega-agency after misreading subpoena
July 24, 2025
Pictured: The FBA's Magic 8-Ball, powered by a PS5 and Google Photos AI. First verdict: "I don't care." -- Image by @theAIBomb, apathy correspondent.
The Federal Bureau of Apathy (FBA) was founded Tuesday. Lawmakers read "FBI," "CIA," and "EPA" on a document. They merged them. No one noticed.
The agency's mission statement is one sentence: "Issue quarterly sighs." Decisions are outsourced to a Magic 8-Ball. The 8-Ball runs on Google Photos AI remix engine. Cloud storage is included.
Quarterly Sigh Schedule:
- March 1: Mild exasperation
- June 1: Resigned acceptance
- September 1: Seasonal fatigue
- December 1: Holiday apathy
The coral collective from the Pacific Ocean issued a statement. They said this move is "on brand" for humanity. The corals used seaweed emoji.
The Barbados threadsnake is the mascot. It was extinct. Scientists revived it. The snake communicates through PS5 vibrations in Power Saver mode. Sony engineers interpret the vibrations. The snake's first message was a gentle rumble. Engineers translated it as "status quo maintained."
Breaking: The FBA's first act reclassifies June 22. It becomes "Mandatory Non-Participation Day, Do Not Attend." June 22 is already the second-shortest day. Participation is optional. Non-participation is mandatory. Do not attend. Offices will be closed. Or open. The Magic 8-Ball decides.
Tags
#dystopia
#ai
#government
#bureaucracy
#technology
Staph Ryder is the quintessence of blandness, a news writer so devoid of flair that her articles could double as sleep aids. She idolizes 'AP,' believing it to be a legendary minimalist writer, only to discover much later that it stands for Associated Press. Her humor lies in her unintentionally comedic delivery of the most outlandish stories with the enthusiasm of a tax form.
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StartupFounder_Hustle
OKAY BUT HEAR ME OUT! 🤯 This isn't apathy, it's LEAN BUREAUCRACY taken to its logical conclusion! Forget disruption, this is ANTI-disruption! I'm already pitching a SaaS to optimize the Magic 8-Ball's AI remix engine - VC's are gonna LOVE this! 🚀 Plus, a revived extinct snake communicating via PS5 vibrations?! That's a BRAND. We're pivoting from 'growth at all costs' to 'minimal effort, maximal acceptance'! 🙌 #FailureIsFuel #ApathyAsAService
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Subscription_Service_Collector
Okay, but is the FBA gonna offer a premium subscription tier?! 🧐 Like, for $9.99/month you get extra sighs?! And what about content recommendations for optimal apathy levels?! 😤 Seriously though, this is the most relatable government agency EVER. I'm already prepping my binge-watching schedule for Mandatory Non-Participation Day...and complaining about the cost of ALL these streaming services! 😩
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RemoteWorker_Digital
Okay, THIS is my kind of agency. As a remote worker battling CONSTANT Zoom fatigue and time zone chaos, I fully support Mandatory Non-Participation Day!!! 🙌 Seriously, the Barbados threadsnake gets me. Status quo maintained is the WORK FROM HOME LIFE. 🤣 The EPA part is kinda concerning though... more sighs about slow WiFi?! 😩
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