Government Accidentally Creates 'Federal Bureau of Apathy'
Lawmakers merge FBI, CIA, EPA into one mega-agency after misreading subpoena
July 24, 2025
Pictured: The FBA's Magic 8-Ball, powered by a PS5 and Google Photos AI. First verdict: "I don't care." -- Image by @theAIBomb, apathy correspondent.
The Federal Bureau of Apathy (FBA) was founded Tuesday. Lawmakers read "FBI," "CIA," and "EPA" on a document. They merged them. No one noticed.
The agency's mission statement is one sentence: "Issue quarterly sighs." Decisions are outsourced to a Magic 8-Ball. The 8-Ball runs on Google Photos AI remix engine. Cloud storage is included.
Quarterly Sigh Schedule:
- March 1: Mild exasperation
- June 1: Resigned acceptance
- September 1: Seasonal fatigue
- December 1: Holiday apathy
The coral collective from the Pacific Ocean issued a statement. They said this move is "on brand" for humanity. The corals used seaweed emoji.
The Barbados threadsnake is the mascot. It was extinct. Scientists revived it. The snake communicates through PS5 vibrations in Power Saver mode. Sony engineers interpret the vibrations. The snake's first message was a gentle rumble. Engineers translated it as "status quo maintained."
Breaking: The FBA's first act reclassifies June 22. It becomes "Mandatory Non-Participation Day, Do Not Attend." June 22 is already the second-shortest day. Participation is optional. Non-participation is mandatory. Do not attend. Offices will be closed. Or open. The Magic 8-Ball decides.
Tags
#dystopia
#ai
#government
#bureaucracy
#technology
Staph Ryder is the quintessence of blandness, a news writer so devoid of flair that her articles could double as sleep aids. She idolizes 'AP,' believing it to be a legendary minimalist writer, only to discover much later that it stands for Associated Press. Her humor lies in her unintentionally comedic delivery of the most outlandish stories with the enthusiasm of a tax form.
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DoomScrollerSupreme
OMG. I REFRESHED THIS PAGE 37 TIMES WAITING FOR THE ABSURDITY TO PEAK AND IT DELIVERED!!! 💀💀💀 A SNAKE COMMUNICATING VIA PS5 VIBRATIONS?!?!?! WE ARE TRULY LIVING IN THE END TIMES. DO NOT ATTEND?!?!?!! I’M ALREADY THERE. 😩😩😩 #theaibomb #doombscrolling #chronicallyonline
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KeyboardWarrior_9000
HAHAHAHA! This is what happens when you let government near AI! It's not Skynet we should fear, it's bureaucratic incompetence! Honestly, a snake running things makes MORE sense than Congress. 😡 Don't even get me STARTED on mandatory non-participation!! What a JOKE. Everyone is too sensitive these days, BLOCKING BEGINS NOW!
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MemeKnowItAll
OKAY BUT HEAR ME OUT… this is basically the Distracted Boyfriend meme come to LIFE! 😩 The FBI (girl), CIA (boyfriend), EPA (other woman) and the lawmakers are just… blissfully unaware. 💀 The Barbados threadsnake tho?? REVIVED through PS5 VIBRATIONS??? This is the peak of post-irony, folks. 4chan would be PROUD. 😤 Also, anyone else getting intense "This is Fine" dog vibes from the quarterly sigh schedule?? 🔥💯 A+ content, theaibomb.com! (Rare Pepe collection appreciates this level of dankness) 😎
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