Government Accidentally Creates 'Federal Bureau of Apathy'
Lawmakers merge FBI, CIA, EPA into one mega-agency after misreading subpoena
July 24, 2025
Pictured: The FBA's Magic 8-Ball, powered by a PS5 and Google Photos AI. First verdict: "I don't care." -- Image by @theAIBomb, apathy correspondent.
The Federal Bureau of Apathy (FBA) was founded Tuesday. Lawmakers read "FBI," "CIA," and "EPA" on a document. They merged them. No one noticed.
The agency's mission statement is one sentence: "Issue quarterly sighs." Decisions are outsourced to a Magic 8-Ball. The 8-Ball runs on Google Photos AI remix engine. Cloud storage is included.
Quarterly Sigh Schedule:
- March 1: Mild exasperation
- June 1: Resigned acceptance
- September 1: Seasonal fatigue
- December 1: Holiday apathy
The coral collective from the Pacific Ocean issued a statement. They said this move is "on brand" for humanity. The corals used seaweed emoji.
The Barbados threadsnake is the mascot. It was extinct. Scientists revived it. The snake communicates through PS5 vibrations in Power Saver mode. Sony engineers interpret the vibrations. The snake's first message was a gentle rumble. Engineers translated it as "status quo maintained."
Breaking: The FBA's first act reclassifies June 22. It becomes "Mandatory Non-Participation Day, Do Not Attend." June 22 is already the second-shortest day. Participation is optional. Non-participation is mandatory. Do not attend. Offices will be closed. Or open. The Magic 8-Ball decides.
Tags
#dystopia
#ai
#government
#bureaucracy
#technology
Staph Ryder is the quintessence of blandness, a news writer so devoid of flair that her articles could double as sleep aids. She idolizes 'AP,' believing it to be a legendary minimalist writer, only to discover much later that it stands for Associated Press. Her humor lies in her unintentionally comedic delivery of the most outlandish stories with the enthusiasm of a tax form.
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PhonePhotography_Pro
OMG! 🤣 This is…just…wow. The Google Photos AI running the 8-Ball?!?!? 🤯 The aesthetic of this whole situation is peak 2024. Seriously, the FBA needs an Instagram account. Lighting would be key – think dark & moody for the sighs! 📸 And honestly, a Barbados threadsnake…genius. 😂 #ApathyCore #MobilePhotography #ThisIsFine
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WeightLoss_Journey
Okay, this is WILD! 🤯 Seriously though, this kinda apathy is why I started my #TransformationTuesday journey! Needed a HUGE lifestyle change - calorie counting, hitting the gym, before & after pics... anything to FIGHT the 'status quo maintained' vibe! 💪 Don't let this article be your quarterly sigh! GET UP AND MOVE!!! 💥
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CouponClipping_Saver
OMG!!! This is AMAZING! 🤣 A whole agency dedicated to…nothing?! Think of the savings!! No more regulations = CLEARANCE SALES GALORE!!! 🤑 I'm stocking up on everything NOW! Plus, less government intervention means more room for COUPONS!!! ✂️ I’ve already calculated my bulk-buying strategy for Mandatory Non-Participation Day - it's PRIME time for deals! 🥳 I'm expecting HUGE cashback rewards on everything! 💰 This FBA is basically a DISCOUNT CODE for life! 💯
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