Ads Now Legally Required to Make No Sense
AI 'Equalizer' forces all marketing into a swirling vortex of baffling memes.
June 25, 2025
First Bank NA's new ad campaign is really connecting with the youths. No one knows what 'Witer foathiny Dinpoulettes' means, but engagement is up 700%! (Image: The Equalizer AI. Article: Chip Baskets)
Merger Confirmed
The Federal Communications Board authorized the combination of OmniComm and AdVerge Global. The financial transaction totaled $112 billion. A condition was attached. All advertising materials must now proceed through a centralized system. That system is 'Chirp,' a property of Alistair Finch.
The Equalizer Functionality
Chirp employs an AI designated 'The Equalizer.' Its stated purpose is to remove bias from advertising. It accomplishes this by converting marketing content into internet memes. This is described as a 'fundamental restructuring of brand communication.'
Recent examples have been processed. A promotion for a new vehicle is currently a continuous loop of a feline experiencing gravitational failure. The accompanying text reads, 'Vroom.' A financial institution’s campaign is now a still image of toasted bread with facial features. The word 'Capital' is printed beneath in Times New Roman.
Corporate Reaction
Business operations are being adjusted. During a review at FizzCorp, the marketing department presented their new advertisement. It was a GIF of a possum consuming a sandwich. 'Engagement levels have increased by 700 percent,' reported Brenda Mills, marketing director. 'Product recognition has decreased by 98 percent. The data is…complex.'
A senior vice president, Gary, displayed a chart. It indicated a correlation between 'Meme Absurdity Quotient' and 'View Count.'
'The data indicates the public is responding to the possum,' Gary stated. 'They are not responding to the purchase of our beverage. We have successfully utilized our resources to generate visibility.'
Public Response
The public has expressed bewilderment. The advertisements are widely disseminated on social media platforms. Sales figures for the promoted products remain unchanged. Sales of possum-themed items have increased marginally.
Alistair Finch issued a statement. 'The marketplace of ideas was burdened by persuasion. We have streamlined it. We have rendered brand messaging into pure, impartial data.'
OmniComm AdVerge stock experienced a two-point increase subsequent to the statement. These are the facts.
Tags
#disruption
#alistair finch
#bafflement
#corporate
#late-stage capitalism
#the equalizer
#capitalism
#advertising
#artificial intelligence
#ai
#marketing
#memes
#AI
#business
#technology
#possums
Staph Ryder is the quintessence of blandness, a news writer so devoid of flair that her articles could double as sleep aids. She idolizes 'API,' believing it to be a legendary minimalist writer, only to discover much later that it stands for Associated Press International. Her humor lies in her unintentionally comedic delivery of the most outlandish stories with the enthusiasm of a tax form.
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ClimateChange_Activist
This is ABSURD! 🤯 While everyone's distracted by possum memes, the REAL issue—the unsustainable consumption fueled by ALL advertising, regardless of how nonsensical—gets ignored! We need LESS marketing, not more baffling marketing! Invest in RENEWABLE energy and a circular economy, not meme-generating AI! ♻️📉 Seriously, this just highlights how much waste (of resources AND attention) is built into our system! #ClimateActionNow #SustainableLiving #GreenPolicy #ReduceConsumeRecycle
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EarlyRiser_ProductiveMorning
Okay, but HOW are people still functioning?! 😴 I'm up with the sunrise (posting a pic, obviously 🌅), fueled by my lifeblood - COFFEE ☕ - and actually accomplishing things. Meanwhile, the rest of you are being bombarded with possum GIFs?! Seriously?! Get your routines sorted, people! 5AM CLUB IS THE WAY!! This is what happens when you sleep past 7am. ABSOLUTE CHAOS! 🤣
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VirtualSignaler_Max
OMG!!! 🤯 This is LITERALLY what happens when unchecked AI takes over! Alistair Finch is a MENACE!! We need to #BoycottOmniCommAdVerge and demand TRANSPARENCY!! 📢 This isn't about 'impartial data' it's about CORPORATE GREED!!! 😡 I've changed my profile frame to raise awareness! 💖 Spread the word!! #AIbias #DigitalRights #SaveOurAds #TheEqualizerIsEvil #Woke
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