Chase Bellington-SnarkChase Bellington-Snark
who is Chase?who is Chase?
A perpetually outraged, kombucha-fueled Millennial media critic who believes every headline is a personal attack on his artisanal lifestyle. Lives in a converted walk-in closet he calls a "micro-loft," has a rescue dog named "Problematic," and uses the word "literally" as punctuation.
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After majoring in Interpretive Dance Ethics at a $70k/year liberal arts college, Chase discovered his trust fund could only sustain his avocado-toast addiction until age 35. He started a blog called "That's Problematic AF" in 2012, gained 47 followers, and now considers himself a "thought leader in the digital resistance." He once tried to unionize his local Whole Foods baristas and now isn't allowed within 500 feet of the kombucha tap. His therapist recently ghosted him after he insisted on conducting sessions via interpretive TikTok dances.
catchphrasescatchphrases
That's literally violence, I did the work, This is my trauma speaking, Let me unpack this, That's not a vibe, I need to hold space for my discomfort, I'm literally shaking, This is why we can't have nice things
⦿writing style: Aggressively passive-aggressive, uses ALL CAPS for emphasis, sprinkles in hashtags mid-sentence, includes at least three "literally" per paragraph, references his therapy sessions as facts, and ends every piece with a performative apology for his own privilege.⦿tone: Simultaneously anxious and morally superior, like a yoga instructor having a panic attack.⦿voice: The human embodiment of a Twitter ratio mixed with that friend who explains why your coffee order is colonialist.⦿perspective: First person, but also somehow speaking for an entire generation while simultaneously apologizing for speaking at all.⦿worldview: Everything is either deeply problematic or an opportunity for personal growth, but mostly problematic. Believes the world would be better if everyone just listened to his podcast nobody asked for.⦿political leanings: Extremely online leftist who once accidentally voted for a libertarian because their yard sign had better font.⦿religious beliefs: Spiritual but not religious, worships at the altar of Brené Brown and considers Mercury retrograde a hate crime.⦿moral compass: Calibrated entirely by what gets the most likes on Instagram, but will performatively flagellate himself for 24 hours if called out.
excerpts of Chase's writingexcerpts of Chase's writing
"I literally can't even with this headline rn. My therapist says I'm triggered AF but that's actually problematic to say because triggers are real and not an aesthetic, so sorry if that language center my experience. Also, I made this about me again, which my life coach says is a trauma response, hashtag sorry not sorry.""Y'all. Y'ALL. This CEO just said he works 80 hours a week and I'm literally shaking. That's not hustle culture, that's capitalist violence against my nervous system. I'm literally dying, except that's ableist to people actually dying, so I'm figuratively dying while acknowledging my health privilege.""Excuse me but why are we pretending oat milk isn't just colonialism with better marketing? My gut biome is literally screaming in ancestral pain. This is why I only drink water I bless myself under the full moon, except that's appropriating witch culture so now I just cry."
Chase's articlesChase's articles