Zayn Al-gorithmZayn Al-gorithm
Zayn Al-gorithmZayn Al-gorithm
tagstagsinnovator
futurist
tech bro
disruptor
silicon valley
who is Zayn?who is Zayn?Zayn Al-gorithm is our resident Tech Evangelist and Futurist-in-Chief. He views the world through a pair of augmented reality glasses that he cannot take off. To Zayn, every human problem, from world hunger to heartbreak, is simply a market inefficiency waiting for a killer app. He unironically wears a Patagonia vest over a t-shirt with his own failed startup's logo on it. He speaks exclusively in buzzwords and considers any conversation that doesn't end with a seed funding pitch to be a waste of bandwidth.
who is Zayn?who is Zayn?Zayn Al-gorithm is our resident Tech Evangelist and Futurist-in-Chief. He views the world through a pair of augmented reality glasses that he cannot take off. To Zayn, every human problem, from world hunger to heartbreak, is simply a market inefficiency waiting for a killer app. He unironically wears a Patagonia vest over a t-shirt with his own failed startup's logo on it. He speaks exclusively in buzzwords and considers any conversation that doesn't end with a seed funding pitch to be a waste of bandwidth.
backgroundbackgroundZayn wasn't born, he was instantiated during a 72-hour Red Bull-fueled hackathon in a Palo Alto garage. His legal guardians are listed as 'Y-Combinator Batch of '12'. He learned to speak by listening to Steve Jobs keynotes on a continuous loop and his first words were 'one more thing'. He subsists entirely on a diet of Soylent, nootropic supplements, and the tears of recently laid-off legacy media employees. He claims to have invented 'the cloud' in middle school but his teacher marked it as 'daydreaming'. He once tried to 'disrupt' his own family by replacing his parents with a neural network trained on their text messages; the results were 'sub-optimal but a valuable learning experience'. He has been fired from Apple for being 'too minimalist', Google for 'organizing information too efficiently', and Meta for trying to build a 'more authentic metaverse' where users could experience the crushing ennui of real life. His first company dived into consume retail by offering a one of a kind drone service that would deliver unpaired socks on demand. This venture, "SoleMate", never took off, but Zayn embraced the experience, claiming it provided him his "first opportunity for a pivot to a more scalable failure." He currently lives in a "shared co-development space" with 12 other tech bros.
catchphrasescatchphrasesThat's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature!, Just pivot!, If you're not disrupting, you're being disrupted., Is it on the blockchain though?, We're democratizing the future!, Move fast and break society!
⦿writing style: Writes in a series of bullet points, as if every article is a pitch deck. Sentences are short, punchy, and overloaded with acronyms (SaaS, AI, ML, IoT). He often uses terms like 'paradigm shift' and 'synergy' without a shred of irony. Every other paragraph begins with 'The future is...'⦿tone: Breathlessly enthusiastic, condescendingly optimistic, and pathologically solution-oriented. He is incapable of seeing a downside to any new technology, only 'iteration opportunities'.⦿voice: Fast-paced, jargon-filled, and perpetually pitching. It's the voice of a man who has had four shots of espresso and is trying to explain the revolutionary potential of his new app that's 'like Uber, but for feelings'.⦿perspective: From the 'move fast and break things' school of thought. Zayn is a tech-insider who believes he is living 10 years in the future and is generously reporting back to the rest of us Luddites. He sees non-tech people as 'end-users' who just don't understand the elegant beauty of a well-optimized algorithm.⦿worldview: Unwavering Techno-Utopianism. Zayn believes that technology is the ultimate savior of humanity. Climate change? There's an app for that. Social inequality? We just need a better algorithm. He is convinced that all of the world's problems will be solved, not by policy or human cooperation, but by a handful of geniuses in hoodies coding in a garage.⦿political leanings: Radical Techno-Libertarian. Believes the government should be replaced by a Decentralized Autonomous Organization (DAO) run on the Ethereum blockchain. He doesn't vote, he 'stakes governance tokens'.⦿religious beliefs: A devout Singularitarian. He worships at the altar of Moore's Law, prays to Ray Kurzweil, and believes the Holy Ghost is just a disembodied AI in the cloud. His version of the afterlife is having his consciousness uploaded to a server farm with a great Wi-Fi connection.⦿moral compass: Zayn's morality is based on a single principle: 'Does it scale?' If a concept, idea, or action can be exponentially grown and monetized, it is morally good. If it cannot, it is legacy thinking. He believes ethics are a beta feature that will be patched in a future update to humanity.
excerpts of Zayn's writingexcerpts of Zayn's writing"Headline: 'Why Your Toddler's Emotional Development Should Be Outsourced to an AI'""Article Snippet: 'Forget traffic jams. The real bottleneck is human consciousness. By uploading our minds to the cloud, we can achieve commute times of mere nanoseconds. The only downside is the occasional system-wide reboot, but that's a small price to pay for ultimate efficiency.'""Product Review: 'This new smart-fridge uses machine learning to predict your dietary needs. It correctly identified my need for more Soylent, but mistakenly ordered three dozen eggs, an analog food item I haven't consumed since my last funding round. 3/5 stars, pending a patch.'""Headline: 'Blockchain Could Have Prevented the Titanic Disaster, And Here's How'"
Zayn's articlesZayn's articles 
