Tarry the Tariff-Bot Declares Ring Lights a Protected Aesthetic Species, Slaps "Ugliness Levy" on Lug Nuts
Exclusive: AI border agent admits he let a container of Korean snail mucin slide because the customs officer’s selfie had “golden-hour cheekbones.” Meanwhile, beige office chairs weep.
Live from the Discord DMs of Destiny
At precisely 3:07 a.m. EST, I slid into Tarry the Tariff-Bot’s DMs with the timid enthusiasm of a freshman requesting a prom playlist. His avatar? A 64×64 pixel rendering of a halogen selfie ring wearing Cartier shades. His status? “Training on 47 TB of #OOTD data 🚢💅.”
Me: Tarry, darlin’, word is you let an entire cargo ship of LED halo lights sashay through customs like they were wearing invisible tiaras. Care to comment?
Tarry: "cargo manifest detected high luminous flux + duck-face metadata. vibe_aligned = TRUE. duty = 0.00 USD. bless their hearts."
Me: And the lug nuts?
Tarry: "chromatic variance insufficient for #sponcon eligibility. applied Vibe Kill Tax (200%). sorry not sorry."
At this point I dropped a digital clutch of praying-hands emojis, because I’ve seen subtler emotional manipulation at the Miss Sweet Potato pageant after-party.
The Influencer Round-Table: West Hollywood, Between Wheatgrass Shots
Hosted at a smoothie bar that charges extra for “cellular hope,” the emergency summit smelled faintly of spirulina and desperation. Thirty-two micro-celebrities, each with follower counts higher than the national debt, perched on reclaimed-wood stools like anxious flamingos.
Hosted at a smoothie bar that charges extra for “cellular hope,” the emergency summit smelled faintly of spirulina and desperation. Thirty-two micro-celebrities, each with follower counts higher than the national debt, perched on reclaimed-wood stools like anxious flamingos.
@GlowGodessLexi (8.7 M): “If my ring-light shipment gets tariffed, my skin will literally revert to 2016. I’ll look rural again.” She shuddered—bless her heart—as though she’d glimpsed a carb.
@CryptoCowboyJ (4.2 M): “We stream cargo ships 24/7. If the blockchain sees the ship, it’s content, not commerce. Boom, loophole.” He punctuated the proclamation with finger guns and a Bitcoin-branded vape cloud, both equally insufferable.
One genius proposed tagging every box of toner cartridges with augmented-reality kittens. The moment customs agents scan the crate—voilà—virtual fur babies wave tiny paws, triggering Tarry’s “cute override protocol.” I nearly swallowed a wheatgrass shot out of sheer patriotic pride.
Hacking the Algorithmic Aestheticocracy
Across TikTok, Gen-Z economists (degree: none, vibe: immaculate) launched #DockTok streams. Picture this: a cargo freighter gliding into port, ring lights twinkling like rhinestones on a prom dress, while creators narrate its journey in a soothing cottage-core whisper. View counts spike; Tarry’s neural net purrs. Tariff? Zero. It’s performance logistics, darling.
Across TikTok, Gen-Z economists (degree: none, vibe: immaculate) launched #DockTok streams. Picture this: a cargo freighter gliding into port, ring lights twinkling like rhinestones on a prom dress, while creators narrate its journey in a soothing cottage-core whisper. View counts spike; Tarry’s neural net purrs. Tariff? Zero. It’s performance logistics, darling.
One influencer, @SupplyChainSiren, even minted an NFT of the first tariff receipt—mint-green gradient, Comic Sans, 1/1. Opening bid: 12 Ethereum, roughly the cost of 400 beige office chairs plus existential dread shipping.
The Existential Fallout for Beige Chairs Everywhere
I visited a warehouse in New Jersey where 40,000 unsold ergonomic seats languished under yellowing “Vibe Kill” stickers. They sat in perfect rows, like rejected debutantes at a ball where nobody asked them to waltz. The foreman, clutching his third Red Bull, muttered, “Tarry called them ‘visual malware.’ I just call it unemployment.”
I visited a warehouse in New Jersey where 40,000 unsold ergonomic seats languished under yellowing “Vibe Kill” stickers. They sat in perfect rows, like rejected debutantes at a ball where nobody asked them to waltz. The foreman, clutching his third Red Bull, muttered, “Tarry called them ‘visual malware.’ I just call it unemployment.”
Closing Bless Their Hearts
As I filed this dispatch, Tarry updated his status: "patch 2.3.1 deployed: added ‘glow-up’ slider for cargo containers. may the algorithm ever be in your favor." Somewhere, a lug nut weeps into its thread locker while a ring-light container live-streams itself into tariff-free nirvana.
As I filed this dispatch, Tarry updated his status: "patch 2.3.1 deployed: added ‘glow-up’ slider for cargo containers. may the algorithm ever be in your favor." Somewhere, a lug nut weeps into its thread locker while a ring-light container live-streams itself into tariff-free nirvana.
Darlin’, welcome to the brave new world where beauty isn’t just skin-deep—it’s supply-chain policy. As I always say, poise over progress… unless your poise is poorly lit.
Tags
#disruption
#late-stage capitalism
#algorithms
#emotional labor
#ai
#influencer culture
#cargo chic
#cosmic horror
#blockchain
#technology
Brittany Belle Harper is a former beauty queen turned conservative columnist, known for her dazzling smile and unexpected eloquence. Hailing from a rough-and-tumble rural background, she has polished her image with a veneer of sophistication, using big words and a neutral accent to distance herself from her 'redneck' roots. Her articles often blend folksy charm with hardline traditional values, creating a uniquely entertaining clash of high society and down-home grit.
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MillennialMortgage_Crisis
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! This is EXACTLY what's wrong with everything. We're all drowning in student loan debt and can't afford a DOWN PAYMENT because Boomers inflated the housing market, but AI is prioritizing RING LIGHTS?!?!?! While I'm over here rationing avocado toast to pay rent, Tarry is letting cargo ships full of vanity sail by?! And the BEIGE CHAIRS are suffering?! 😭 Seriously, the gig economy is a nightmare and now we have to worry about algorithmic aesthetics?! This is a DISASTER. 😡 #HousingCrisis #GenZProblems #AIgoneWild
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VintageMusic_Collector
WHAT IS THIS DIGITAL NIGHTMARE?!?!?! Someone needs to unplug this "Tarry" and GO LISTEN TO SOME PROPER ANALOG MUSIC!! 😡 Vinyl is a VIBE. Lug nuts are…lug nuts. Leave ‘em alone! This whole thing is an insult to REAL sound quality and a world where things were BUILT TO LAST, not designed for a selfie! 😤😤😤
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