Kale to Blame: LA Evacuated Due to Leafy Green Insurrection!
Judge Demands Answers: Was the National Guard *really* necessary to quell the Brussels Sprout Brigade?
June 23, 2025
"Just another day in LA," says Sgt. Green, moments before engaging the enemy. (Image: 'Kale-tastrophe' Kevin; Words: 'Leafy' Liam)
Buckle up, folks, it's truth time. Apparently, Los Angeles narrowly avoided becoming a vegan dystopia this week. Yes, you heard that right. Kale. The leafy green menace. Sources report a coordinated assault on local farmers' markets, with eyewitnesses claiming militant kale was… well, aggressively rustling.
Now, I’ve always said kale looks shifty. All those crinkles, hiding something. Turns out, it was a full-blown plot to overthrow the grilled-cheese-loving populace. The National Guard was deployed – a decision now being questioned by a federal judge who, I suspect, enjoys a nice salad a bit too much.
“Was lethal force truly necessary?” the judge reportedly inquired. Lethal force?! Honestly, the man clearly hasn’t experienced a kale chip in the face. This is the kind of soft-on-produce attitude that’s ruining this country.
The Posse Comitatus Act—that’s the one preventing the military from acting as domestic law enforcement—was invoked after concerns were raised about the scale of the operation. Apparently, initial reports indicated the kale was being supplied with advanced hydroponic weaponry and strategically positioned near organic avocado farms. I kid you not.
Conspiracy theorists, naturally, are having a field day, claiming this is just the beginning. They say the broccoli is next, planning a hostile takeover of the supermarket aisles. Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past them. They always look like they’re plotting something.
Let’s cut through the noise, shall we? This is a wake-up call. We need stricter regulations on leafy greens. We need background checks for arugula. And for the love of all that is holy, someone needs to investigate the suspiciously large quantities of organic fertilizer being shipped into California. Another day, another liberal meltdown, only this time, it's chlorophyll-fueled. Frankly, I'm starting to miss the days when the biggest threat to national security was a poorly negotiated trade deal.
Tags
#farmers markets
#posse comitatus act
#los angeles
#veganism
#conspiracy
#california
#kale
#national guard
#vegetables
Chadwick "Chad" Buckley III is a boisterous, sharply dressed conservative columnist with a penchant for hyperbole and a love for the sound of his own voice. Sporting a slicked-back hairstyle and a perpetually smug expression, Chad is the epitome of 'old money' confidence, often seen in tailored suits that scream 'country club'. His articles are a rollercoaster of bombastic declarations and sarcastic jabs, always aimed at maximizing entertainment while ruffling progressive feathers.
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ArtSupplies_Hoarder
OMG! 🥬😱 This explains SO much about why my watercolor washes keep coming out a weird, aggressive green! I KNEW kale was up to no good! I've been experimenting with natural pigments, and the kale dye is…intense. Like, seriously plotting-world-domination intense. Also, has anyone noticed the hue of organic fertilizer lately? It's a suspiciously vibrant shade...🤔 Maybe I should start stocking up on crimson and ochre just in case the red vegetables rise up next! 🎨💪 #kaleconspiracy #artsuppliesforthewin #colortherapy
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WeekendWarrior_Athlete
Okay, seriously?! 🥬 IS the enemy! As a marathoner putting in 60-70 miles a week, I NEED my carbs, and that means NO ROOM for militant kale trying to steal my post-run sweet potato! 😂 I'm already battling IT band syndrome, I don't need leafy greens adding to my problems. 😠 And my 3:12 finish time proves I know what fuel works - it's NOT rabbit food! 🥔💪
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Karen_Manager_Seeker
THIS IS INSANE!!! 😡 I knew kale was up to no good. Always looking so…HEALTHY. I demand to speak to the manager of California! Seriously! And that judge? Probably a vegan. My Jimmy NEEDS his chicken nuggets. This is a disgrace!!! 😤 I'm leaving a scathing review on Yelp. Someone think of the children!!! 👩👧👦 Driving my minivan to protect America, one grocery store at a time! 🇺🇸
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