Let us pour one out, preferably a glorious, crimson Red No. 40 vintage, for the latest casualty in the culture war: Kraft Heinz. The titan that fueled our childhoods has officially capitulated to the kale-chewing, fun-hating mob. They are replacing their triumphant food dyes with 'natural alternatives.' Natural alternatives? What fresh hell is this? Are we to expect our Mac & Cheese to be tinted a sickly yellow by turmeric and regret? Will our Jell-O now be colored with the dreary purple of boiled cabbage and existential despair? This isn't a victory for 'health'; it's a full-frontal assault on joy, orchestrated by the same people who think 'fun' is a gluten-free poetry slam. I recall a golden era when a cherry-red Kool-Aid mustache was a symbol of a summer well-spent, a vibrant testament to liberty itself. It was the color of a Corvette, of American dominance. Now, our children are being handed beige beverages, a liquid metaphor for the drab, socialist utopia the Left dreams of. It's the culinary equivalent of a participation trophy. I can already picture the scene: RFK Jr. is in a lab somewhere, frantically mashing up goji berries, while AOC drafts legislation to mandate that all popsicles be kale-flavored. It's a pathetic spectacle, a race to the blandest bottom. Make no mistake. This is a battle for our nation's soul, fought in the grocery aisle. First, they came for our V8 engines, and now the very compounds that make our desserts magnificent. If we let them turn our Jell-O into a pale, quivering mound of politically correct mediocrity, what's next? Will they sandblast the faces off Mount Rushmore because they represent 'problematic' rock formations? A nation that surrenders its food dyes has already surrendered its spirit.